Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Diary #2 The Beginning, the End or Both?

I have graduated from high school.

Personally I hold it as a personal achievement that remnants of my high school orientation day still exist in my memory. I remember being conscious of the fact that these year 6 girls would be the ones to fill my life for the next 6 years. And as I recall this memory, I remember the day before the first day of high school when I was contacting my exercise books under the air-conditioner of my living room, I was anxious about changing myself. To change or not to change? Presenting to the world a new me. Or maybe even the real me- the one I've repressed. From personal experience in the education system- I believe that primary school contained  whole lot more peer pressure than high school. I sometimes think about the things I had done and cringe and have a little chuckle. Although I am so inherently ashamed of young Michelle but kind of proud that I can feel ashamed at that- It just highlights how far I've com since then. However parents, teachers, mentors, significant people tell children that its ok to be unique, and to deviate from the majority.

But here comes the paradox. Oh man is it a big one.

How is it that peer pressure exist then? That we confine ourselves to some prescribed ideology or expectation. When we relinquish our true selves (if I may say) to the majority. I tell you now friend, when you find yourself in such a dark place, think about your future, past the inky cloud that is suffocating you at the present, strain for the open air behind it- it is beckoning to you. Don't hide or cower. I know it is easier said than done- I understand it so, because I too have been there.

It will feel so unnatural even painful at first, but make a habit of exerting Yourself and it will begin to feel so natural. 

I recently had an email from Sydney University- the most prestigious university in Australia, probably listed among the big guns of the world- inviting me to an interview for a Combined Law degree I was applying for. I can honestly say I cannot remember what or how I answered the questions they asked- considering it was me vs. three academics, only the fact that I was outside in the waiting room re-reading my prepared answers (that would subsequently not be asked) and of course walking out of that beautiful and eerily intimidating Law faculty, dressed in my mother’s business suit. 

Why did I just tell you that? Well it was such a profound moment that I realised the future was dawning. It was blinding my eyes, it's rays burning my skin. But really, isn’t the future always upon us? Just around the bend of the road, the next foot step, the next thought?  

Life is so infinitely mysterious and uncertain. *dramatic hand poised about forehead and back slightly bent back.* 

I’ll leave you with this serendipitous photo I took on the final day of high school, a few hours before the graduation ceremony. My phone lens opened at just this particular moment and this angle to capture this beautiful sunset.