Wednesday, 29 July 2015

The Freakshow @ Canberra // Review

Milkshakes that   Bringin' all the boys to Canberra (yes, it's better than yours).
No doubt you've heard of Pâtissez. Hailing from Canberra, this cafe is only in its early infancy yet is offerings are attracting masses especially for its notorious crew of "Freakshows." The fitting name encompasses a selection of four milk shakes with which some traditional sense of the word 'milkshake' has gone missing or rather been mutated into something much, much, much, much, did I mention much? More. 

And the story goes; 

Thankfully I've managed to resurrect after a forcing myself to finish what I started... and that was a Vanilla Shake. Not gonna lie, or sugar coat it (because gezee literally why would you?) it gave me a cavity just by laying my eyes on it. Whoa son, you are not my garden variety species of milkshake are ya? Ok, so naievely me and my five compatriots had arrived at 8am on the dot because we were petrified by the potential line that would ensue at about 10ish when we left. Another possible reason why was that we had determined early last night that this would be the ultimate hang over cure. Like any other curious establishment (including that of NASA) we embarked on an experiment.

Ok so 8am we arrive. Ready to conquer and tell our grandkids. Pace through our Instagram filters to the optimum effect. Put about an hour and a half on the car ticket (cos we mean business). The waitstaff tells us that their full...... BUT kindly put us on the waiting list, telling us that the wait is usually 45-60 mins long. Not to be discouraged we accept a minor defeat and fall back to the small alleys of the area, finding a niche little Italian restaurant to settle down in. 15 mins in we get a call telling us that our table awaits...... BUT MY POACHED EGGS ON HOMEMADE TOAST WAS YET TO BE ORDERED. (I panicked) But again, the lovely people at Patizezz pulled through and promised to keep our table until we called about 10 mins away.

I chowed my eggs. (much regret)

We return and are seated in the corner of the cafe. (Prime Insta location to capture interior) We order 3 Muddy Pots, 1 Nutella & Salty Pretzel and a French Vanilla (which I asked the lady to make my life decision on my behalf to order for me).


About 20 mins later we get agitated, no drinks yet.
Then again this is not your average.
Then they all come out and as the lady distributed the mason jars, the two straws per serving was a sure sign that we had made a mistake ordering one each. Although the novelty of two straws was something I always associated with childhood, this was a code red. (que nervous laughter x 5 friends & x1 waitstaff). Here comes the devolution of sanity.

Muddy Pot- Brownie and House Made Marshmallow, surprisingly delicate and not too rich drink, I think its the cream and brownie that makes it rich.
French Vanilla- House Made Marshmallow, cream is sweet and flavoursome, the drink is very vanilla-y you can literally see the vanilla pods through out, great and refreshing but you can kind of tire of the flavour after a while.
Nutella & Salty Pretzel- Probably the best one I tried (v. envious of my friend) its like anything salted caramel, a sweetness then a pleasant taste of salt, also you may want to protect your pretzels from your dining associates.

5 mins in:
Everyone has satisfactory cemented their impending experience on Snapchat, Fb, Insta, twitter (?).

10 mins in:
Toppings are attempted

20 mins in:
A Muddy Pot pilgrim starts feeling the heat and opts out. (1/6 complete, absolutely tragic, she will be missed)

30 mins in:
Nutella & Salty Pretzels breaks through the topping and finally starts the sipping

40 mins in:
There was only two left. A Muddy Pot and me (Vanilla)

Second Muddy Pot made a valiant effort (1/2 way), Nutella & Salted Pretzel threw in the towel at about the same time (just 1/2).

50 mins in:
The whole "I'll do ___________ for the next full minute" occurs, obviously a distraction technique.

60 mins in:
Hollow slurping noise throws into sharp relief that one has defied all obstacles to finish. It was not me. Not yet.

65 mins in:
Not to be discouraged, a break through occurs, I've done it. Someone mentions that this was probably as arduous if not more than a final high school exam.

70 mins in:
Two victors servant their triumphs with hearts as heavy as their current body mass. Bliss, euphoria mixes violently with self-loathing and the urge to get on a treadmill.


OTHERWISE what a fabulous experience. I imagine I could only say that retrospectively. This no doubt will help the capital's economy. The cafe was buzzing even on the Friday morning we came, the staff were empathetic and efficient. There even was a camera crew there filming the place and obviously putting the bloated walruses outside of the frame (well played). Although we didnt get to try any of the other offerings in the cafe, we picked up a red velvet on the way home for a compatriot that went a little too hard the night before.

#1 Its a bit hard to look for but if you spot a crowd, your in the right place.
#2 Bring a mate that does not back wash.  

Pâtissez, 21 Bougainville, Griffin, ACT